No Day Without A Thought

I have a really hard time when relationships change. Mostly the part where one would get deprioritized. Not in an unhealthy/taking advantage of me situation, just that life and ppl and priorities change. Like they might get a kid, they might focus more on their job etc.

If being completely honest, my selfish thinking here feels hurt. This is not the only feeling I have in that situation, I am genuinely happy for them, they should do the steps to make themselves happy - just want the same friendship as before;)

Side note: you know that when your friends tell you sth like your weak spot and also you yourself are aware of it. But since nothing changed it basically became this thing one just accepts, maybe even poking a little fun at it, but well, nothing changed. And then you hear the same thing from another person or in another framing. Well, that happened to me yday.

I received the feedback that this is a selfish thought.

This hit me.

We are all selfish to some extent, but I guess I became more selfish recently generally and also in my view on friendships. What do I get out of it? I am still not sure where this is coming from. Could be a take on fear of change/stability. I think that increased after the breakup and feeling lonelier. Covid could play a role. While relationships and a core group for trust are important, there is a void that I want to fill with other ppl spending time w me. It's like an affirmation of being good enough, they want to spend time w me. And I need that affirmation in a repeated manner. Some every couple of days, some every week, some every 2 weeks, ...

The behaviors are not really out of the ordinary. It is more the thought that drives the behavior which is unhealthy.

Solution?

Focus more on yourself and what makes you happy, fill that void. Then be there for your friends, enjoy every moment you have w them. Focus on them and what they need. Initiated, but also let folks initiate.


different angle for another time: having many friends/what are close friends vs loser friends/friends from childhood vs new ones

Paraphrasing Steve Jobs here.

There is some through to this. But in a relieving way i think.

No matter what decisions you will do, it will shape your life, you will learn, you will adapt your thinking. And if you won't live in regret you will know why you did certain things and why you didn't. So even though you can't change the past, you know why you are here. You forgive yourself for your apparently mistakes. You are here where you belong. You have certain skills and experiences and those shape you which is likely why you are doing what you are doing now or what you are setting out to do. It is now up to you what to make of it.

It is a natural process. Doesn't mean you shouldn't never think about your next step and also never "feel about" your next step. Intuition is strong and no matter how you will decide, you will learn and the dots will connect.

Enttäuschung an sich ist eigentlich etwas gutes. Also vielleicht nicht auf den ersten Schritt, aber auf den langfristigen. Etwas wird enttaeuscht, die Taeuschung ist also weg. Man kommt der Sache mehr auf den Grund.

Erwartungen spielen da oftmals auch eine Rolle und ist ein anderes Thema. Enttaeuschung ist im Zuge der Realitaet und Selbsterkenntnis allerdings ein guter Schritt.

We have December. We have 2020. I have no data points if this is true or now. It seems like that there are more arguments than usual - at least in my life time and people are having less healthy conversations. Put it differently, disagreeing and being ok with it is not that usual any more, positions are held more rigorously. 

I heard someone speaking about "what do you do when you actually dismantled someone else's claims, they agree with it, but then still say they dont believe it". 

It is a fair point and certainly some truth to it that when someone's arguments are actually falsified but the person still can't change their opinion, it might well be that there is something in their belief system which gets triggered/uncovered. And for that to change that requires a combo of confidence, self reflection, vulnerability, respect of the other person that it is ok to change one's mind (not losing face), and/or eagerness to learn. 

What stroke me though is how the situation is phrased. The perspective was that the person who asked the question assumed that they were right and how to handle a person acting like that. What about if you are the person who stands on a hill without any ground? 

An interesting question I learned - sorry, no recollection from whom - "what would it need for you to change your mind/what fact would change your assessment"? 

This is a healthy exercise. What one, or multiple, thing would need to be there for you to change your mind? And not only that, also, maybe you realize that you too have your own belief system that is hard to change with facts. So you might end up in a situation realizing there is also nothing the other person can tell you that you would change your mind right now. 

And from my pov, this is alright. You should obviously be open to changing your mind, but also realizing that it is irrational is a healthy step and might make you more empathetic to other people who have a hard time changing their mind/behavior. 

Two finishing thoughts before you head off:
a) a helpful way - at least for me is - to not think about "changing my mind" but "expanding my mind/opinion". we are not born with all the information we want or need. We learn and adapt. Before you knew behavior X hurts someone's feeling, you might have done it too. Nothing wrong with "changing your opinion on a topic", if it makes it easier, think of it as expanding.
b) Paraphrasing a quote I cant find the original version from: "The ones who never change their mind are the crazy ones". 

With that, here's to a healthy upcoming Christmas conversation with your family.

Continuing from yesterday, as I am thinking about my online presence, digital garden concept and collecting/connecting thoughts, below some quick thoughts I wrote down this morning.

written in Roam and due to formatting issues when copying sharing the screenshot. and as I am sharing the screenshot, also noticing that publishing/sharing would be important for such a tool.

to consider: there still needs to be an easy option to select what gets public and what not (ie if you share a page with Roam it gives access to your whole base).