No Day Without A Thought

It's been a week now that I started writing on a daily basis. It has been a growing experience so far. It sure takes energy and time and is not that easy.

I just remembered a conversation I had with a friend who mentioned the unfulfilled dream of being a writer. Not sure what type of writer exactly, but that doesn't matter for now.

She mentioned the concern (probably besides a few more) that she thinks everything has already been written by amazing people. There were smart women and men who already talked about topics long before other smart people came around and spoke about them - again.

Yes. BUT: the core might stay the same, the way and words the message which gets transferred instead changes every time.

Working now for a company with almost 20 people, it comes to a surprise to many people when I tell them that this is actually the biggest company I've ever worked for. I am not saying that there are already high political games happening. I can still sense how things might evolve - having in mind that I never experienced the actual game.

As I am currently reading 'What got you here won't bring you there', there was a passage which impacted my thinking and opened my eyes.

The author basically said that most people only take step one, two, three, seven. Missing three steps, the most crucial steps.

1. Assessing the situation
2. Isolating the problem
3. Formulating
4. Woo up - Get your bosses to approve
5. Woo laterally - Get your peers to agree
6. Woo down - Get your direct reporters to accept
7. Implement

Without 4-6 and no actual buy-in of any other party than yourself, you will have a hard time to make your project a reality.

Last week I came across this Quora post: Mini Habits To Practice Each Day

I want to point out two of those answers which - at least in my mind - mirror the same behavior.

- Make the bed the minute you wake up in the morning.
This gives you 1) you a first small achievement of a task and a great start into the day. 2) Whatever happens that day, you will come home to a perfectly prepared bed, no way around it.

- Put things back to where you've found them after you used them.
I am this kind of person: I clean the room and two days later it looks exactly the same. Old clothes left on the chair, as I had come home just throwing my things there to mentally arrive at home. After reading the post I started to put things where they belong after using them. Meaning, before I eat I get out a plate and cutlery for eating. Sometimes I waited for two days to clean the accrued dishes. It was just more valuable to me to spend the time after the meal not with cleaning the dishes, but enjoying the satisfying moment of having finished a good meal. Now, I always clean the dishes and embrace the feeling knowing that I also already cleaned everything and put it back where it belongs. Same with my clothes: dirty: to the box for dirty clothes, wear again: for ex jeans, back to the wardrobe. Use a pen: put it back. Getting out a document: sort it back again.

You sense it: I am embracing this experience and evolvement and love the effects of it + the results and impacts on my mind and therefore other behavior. For me it helps you to get rid of any physical clutter in your life.

This will have a follow up post about the topic. At this point I just want to encourage everyone to try those habits - if you don't already have them - still, leaving you a bit in the dark, if the effort is actually worth it. Every person is different and needs other needs filled. Thus, I can't promise it. I can truly say that I will put importance into those small habits and general attitudes to teach my children those aspects. 

So, I will say. Trust me here and if you followed them for 30 days and admit that it didn't have any positive effect for you, then that is sad. I am not saying that I am sorry leading you into putting the used energy and sacrifices to trying it. I really wanted it for you to help, so I acted with the best intention in mind and I wouldn't change it. Especially since the upsides outweighs the downside by a mile. Let's just assume it did help you. Wouldn't it be worth to try something for 30 days and having the chance of improving your life for all the years ahead living with a higher life quality? I phrased it obviously like this, but here is a trade off everything should be happily willing to do.

Try it and I will link back to this article for the follow up post. So no need for you to take the energy of remembering this to confront me with it. Focus the energy on those to mini habits.

Go out, experiment, explore, and find whatever rocks your personal boat.

Guess it is true that some ideas just pop up when you are in the shower...

Being apartment hunting with two close friends of mine, today came the day to decide, if I would like to move into an apartment together. I can't express it, but somehow I am hesitant to join them and tried a 'fake decision' = trying to put yourself into a reality where you decided for/against it (this time against moving into the selected apartment) and see how you feel. I felt comfortable with it. Sure, too bad that I am not moving in with them, this would have been a blast. On the other side, the fake decision showed me that it is the right decision - even know I don't exactly know why.

Then Star Wars popped up in my mind, totally out of the blue: search your feelings.

Especially in the last year, I became a lot better of actually figuring out my feelings and also 1) acknowledging them, 2) act accordingly, and 3) express them to others..

However, as mentioned, this time I wasn't sure why and pondered: 'Why don't you want to take this apartment? Or don't you want to move in with them? Is there something in your own life holding you back which has nothing to do without the apartment? Search your feelings.'

Even though this article is already a year old (which seems to be almost labeled as outdated in our society) it makes some profound points. For this post I want to highlight:
- I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself
- I wish I'd the courage to express my feelings

Yes, the apartment choice might not seem like a hard choice, there is still a lot of fight potential and emotional energy involved. By being honest and respectful to each other's opinion, my friends and me are handling the situation with the most respect for each other and have no interpersonal problem. Everyone should decide what's best for oneself, even though that means that the original plan won't happen.

Coming out of a recent fling, I have a strange emotional state at the moment and postpone some dates with (new) female acquaintances. None of them are clearly in friendship zone nor in potential dating zone which is mentally exhausting for me, as I don't want to get into anything new for now. Therefore, I made excuses and just non commitments to avoid actually meeting without giving a reason, but by just being a strange person on the other line. This weekend, after some personal time and taking a walk, I wrote a clear text basically saying: 
'Hi, I wasn't straight with you. This is the situation. I enjoyed talking to you as it distracted me of something different. You seem great. Now, I would like to stop texting, as I need to take some personal time to process.' (Short version)

Neither in this situation, nor in any other situation ever before did being honest and straight not turn out to be better than before. There is a line, in terms of that you don't want to hurt another person's feelings. Other than that there is no downside in being honest and expressing your feelings. Why are people hesitant to be more that way?

I think it is because you show off, the walls are down, people know how you tick. Despite mainstream thinking, this is not a weakness, it's a strength. People will appreciate it. Even further, it is like giving them a compliment, as you trust them with your secret and your deepest feelings. What a connector! Sure, making a further connection is not always the goal - as with the women. Still, everyone of them wrote me back how much she appreciated me being honest and that this is a rare trait. I hope it is not rare and it rather inspires them to be more honest themselves (at least that is what is happening in my mind).

Having a different angle: if it truly turns out that the other person doesn't (want to) understand, respect or even takes advantage of your state? Then you also have your answer and shouldn't spend more time with that person.

Search your feelings. Acknowledge them. Act accordingly. Express them.

You probably know that our brain processes quite a lot of information on a daily basis. Therefore our brain filters out a massive amount of impressions we are constantly exposed to, so we are not overwhelmed. Not only does our brain filter out many impressions, it also puts a spotlight on specific things and makes us sense those more than others. Example?
- you want to buy a new car and suddenly, you see this car way more often than usual
- you are thinking about getting a baby. Where are all the babies coming from out of the blue?
- you are a general pessimist. Guess why you don't see the good things in life.

You get the point.

This also applies for the behavior of other people (and therefore yourself). How people perceive you comes with a filter. I will insert the term cognitive dissonance here, assuming that most are familiar with it. It basically means that your brain rationalizes everything to fit into an existing box of what you are already thinking.
Example: For a person which you perceive as an arrogant person, you only see every action they take as a behavior of an arrogant human. Even if the person would do something nice, you will think that they might only have done it to use it as advantage in the future - but (s)he is still arrogant. You wouldn't consider that (s)he had the best intention in mind, because then you would need to readjust everything you ever thought about that person. 

In case you have a bad habit or trait and want to change, it is a great first step to acknowledge your flaw(s). Even better when you are actually improving and changing. Considering that this was a flaw other people were aware of as well and not only you, it will serve you when you tell people that you are trying to change. Not only that you are trying to change something of you, but what specifically.

As soon as you promote this and advertise it, you help the other person to readjust their senses and perception of your behavior and put it into context why you react a specific way now. (Considering the other person actually cares about you, because you might have apologized about your previous behavior - that's another story...)

What makes them believe even more that you are serious about tackling your shortcomings, is when you ask them about ideas of how you could improve and show them that you really considered their thoughts. Additionally, telling and proving that you try hard will increase respect, understanding and empathy. And therefore success for getting people to see your change.