I have a really hard time when relationships change. Mostly the part where one would get deprioritized. Not in an unhealthy/taking advantage of me situation, just that life and ppl and priorities change. Like they might get a kid, they might focus more on their job etc.

If being completely honest, my selfish thinking here feels hurt. This is not the only feeling I have in that situation, I am genuinely happy for them, they should do the steps to make themselves happy - just want the same friendship as before;)

Side note: you know that when your friends tell you sth like your weak spot and also you yourself are aware of it. But since nothing changed it basically became this thing one just accepts, maybe even poking a little fun at it, but well, nothing changed. And then you hear the same thing from another person or in another framing. Well, that happened to me yday.

I received the feedback that this is a selfish thought.

This hit me.

We are all selfish to some extent, but I guess I became more selfish recently generally and also in my view on friendships. What do I get out of it? I am still not sure where this is coming from. Could be a take on fear of change/stability. I think that increased after the breakup and feeling lonelier. Covid could play a role. While relationships and a core group for trust are important, there is a void that I want to fill with other ppl spending time w me. It's like an affirmation of being good enough, they want to spend time w me. And I need that affirmation in a repeated manner. Some every couple of days, some every week, some every 2 weeks, ...

The behaviors are not really out of the ordinary. It is more the thought that drives the behavior which is unhealthy.

Solution?

Focus more on yourself and what makes you happy, fill that void. Then be there for your friends, enjoy every moment you have w them. Focus on them and what they need. Initiated, but also let folks initiate.


different angle for another time: having many friends/what are close friends vs loser friends/friends from childhood vs new ones

Paraphrasing Steve Jobs here.

There is some through to this. But in a relieving way i think.

No matter what decisions you will do, it will shape your life, you will learn, you will adapt your thinking. And if you won't live in regret you will know why you did certain things and why you didn't. So even though you can't change the past, you know why you are here. You forgive yourself for your apparently mistakes. You are here where you belong. You have certain skills and experiences and those shape you which is likely why you are doing what you are doing now or what you are setting out to do. It is now up to you what to make of it.

It is a natural process. Doesn't mean you shouldn't never think about your next step and also never "feel about" your next step. Intuition is strong and no matter how you will decide, you will learn and the dots will connect.

Enttäuschung an sich ist eigentlich etwas gutes. Also vielleicht nicht auf den ersten Schritt, aber auf den langfristigen. Etwas wird enttaeuscht, die Taeuschung ist also weg. Man kommt der Sache mehr auf den Grund.

Erwartungen spielen da oftmals auch eine Rolle und ist ein anderes Thema. Enttaeuschung ist im Zuge der Realitaet und Selbsterkenntnis allerdings ein guter Schritt.

We have December. We have 2020. I have no data points if this is true or now. It seems like that there are more arguments than usual - at least in my life time and people are having less healthy conversations. Put it differently, disagreeing and being ok with it is not that usual any more, positions are held more rigorously. 

I heard someone speaking about "what do you do when you actually dismantled someone else's claims, they agree with it, but then still say they dont believe it". 

It is a fair point and certainly some truth to it that when someone's arguments are actually falsified but the person still can't change their opinion, it might well be that there is something in their belief system which gets triggered/uncovered. And for that to change that requires a combo of confidence, self reflection, vulnerability, respect of the other person that it is ok to change one's mind (not losing face), and/or eagerness to learn. 

What stroke me though is how the situation is phrased. The perspective was that the person who asked the question assumed that they were right and how to handle a person acting like that. What about if you are the person who stands on a hill without any ground? 

An interesting question I learned - sorry, no recollection from whom - "what would it need for you to change your mind/what fact would change your assessment"? 

This is a healthy exercise. What one, or multiple, thing would need to be there for you to change your mind? And not only that, also, maybe you realize that you too have your own belief system that is hard to change with facts. So you might end up in a situation realizing there is also nothing the other person can tell you that you would change your mind right now. 

And from my pov, this is alright. You should obviously be open to changing your mind, but also realizing that it is irrational is a healthy step and might make you more empathetic to other people who have a hard time changing their mind/behavior. 

Two finishing thoughts before you head off:
a) a helpful way - at least for me is - to not think about "changing my mind" but "expanding my mind/opinion". we are not born with all the information we want or need. We learn and adapt. Before you knew behavior X hurts someone's feeling, you might have done it too. Nothing wrong with "changing your opinion on a topic", if it makes it easier, think of it as expanding.
b) Paraphrasing a quote I cant find the original version from: "The ones who never change their mind are the crazy ones". 

With that, here's to a healthy upcoming Christmas conversation with your family.

Continuing from yesterday, as I am thinking about my online presence, digital garden concept and collecting/connecting thoughts, below some quick thoughts I wrote down this morning.

written in Roam and due to formatting issues when copying sharing the screenshot. and as I am sharing the screenshot, also noticing that publishing/sharing would be important for such a tool.

to consider: there still needs to be an easy option to select what gets public and what not (ie if you share a page with Roam it gives access to your whole base).

I wrote about it this week, the [[Non Violent Communication]] technique with yourself.

In short, ask yourself
 - what you currently feel
- what thought fuels that thought
- what observation fuels the thought (and i guess, if that is true/fair/helpful)
- what is your need
- your request how that need can get fulfilled or at least respected and a little acknowledged
link 

This sparked a whole lot of changes in my mind and behavior already. Having been through a burnout I also wrote this week then about how you feel like you lost your sensors for your needs. 

Additionally, I've been known to be immensely busy. Well knowing this is weak and a pure excuse to either seem important or not deal with my internal self. 

Taking more breaks, actually thinking and starting to write again brought me back on the path to dig deeper. I like to understand, but also I have not really taken the time to think. 

In simple, a phrase I just read was stock vs flow. 

Also getting more into RoamResearch, I want to use Roam to actually think again. That is what's intriguing. So I also got inspired by looking up - like A LOT - how other people use it. 

And then also about the concept of digital gardens. I've been writing on NoDayWithoughAThought for a while, but then took a break again.

People who inspire me to think again by writing and sharing:
[[Buster Benson]] - buster.wiki - @buster
[[Anne-Laure Le Cunff]] - Ness Labs - @ness_labs
[[Tom Critchlow]] - Digital Garden - @tomcritchlow
[[Derek Sivers]] - Sivers.org - @sivers
[[Ryan Dawidjan]] - thumbsonglass.com- High Cadence Thoughts- @ryandawidjan 

While I have not found my proper setup yet, I will not let the tool search stop me, but continue and organically a setup will pop up. 

Couple of habits that help me (and I am sure everyone else, bc we basically are the same)
- take breaks, proper breaks, not just stopping what you are doing and then going on Twitter
- do sports and get outside
- sleep
- be conscious what you are doing and why aka go through the NVC exercise 3x a day
- writing is a great way to stop and actually think
- you don't need to read another article. the tactics and strategies are well known, "successful" people just apply them vs needing to read another article that tells them what to do (irony, this is one of those articles, you're welcome) 

Tl;dr
Feeling good using my brain and noticing how I am getting a level deeper again. Curious to see what's hidden there.

Bear with me here. Guess as usual, I don't really know where this is going yet, so let's explore together.

This is a thought that I always had and probably has many more external sources and internal data points, but popped up again most recently 2 times recently (which I am aware off).

Namely [[Bob Iger]]'s podcast with [[Tim Ferriss]] and [[Kevin Kelly]]'s 68 unsolicited advices.

From my markdown writing I guess you can see that I am writing in Roam Research. This is another post itself.

So..

Bob was pointing out multiple times the importance of optimism. And as many cynics immediately say, not in the sense of being unrealistic, rather what's the point of doing anything otherwise, as there is always a chance something could go wrong. But as long as it didn't go wrong, you are still going.

Kevin also brought up too points:

- Being enthusiastic is worth 25 IQ points.((hFeCM_foo))

- Over the long term, the future is decided by optimists. To be an optimist you don’t have to ignore all the many problems we create; you just have to imagine improving our capacity to solve problems.

In the end..

...optimism is what gets you out of bed

...optimism and enthusiasm will give you the energy to go further

...when only being negative and low energy, you simply won't go that far, I mean why would you and also you don't see what's possible

...negative news get more attention but no one wants to stick around for that

... humans want dreams and possibilities

...humans are attractor to doers and makers, people who want the world to be better

...you might end up in a leadership position over time and consider this sentiment when leading people

...optimism and being enthusiastic are self fulfilling, like a big smile - either because it actually happens or because of your confirmation/selection bias and filtering

...life is simply also just easier, lighter and happier with that attitude

And even if you are super cynical. Rather see it as a game. Being cynical is associated with being the humour of intelligent people. While I certainly wouldn't say this hits home a 100% of the times, let's assume it's mostly true. So you are intelligent. Shouldn't you rather believe in your ability to find a solutions? Make it a game, whatever you can think off, you need to find a way around.

The fun part is: often when you can just think one step further that's already progress for many, so share that.

Not sure I actually said it on here or not, but I had a burnout last year. It also am not sure if that will ever go away. Not that I can't feel energized or genuine happiness. Rather the effects/learnings will remain and with that more sensitive sensors which hopefully will continue to serve me. 

 Often burnout is not the result over overworking only. It's rather the feeling of not accomplishing enough. So while you are rushing through the day, checking of boxes, you feel like you are not checking off the right boxes. Meaning you might still go to bed unfulfilled because of you didn't check enough or what I mean the boxes you actually care about. You are just never getting to the important stuff. 

An analogy that resonated with me: imagine you are on your bike and the chain came off, but you don't stop. You keep pushing. And because you are not making progress, you push even more. While still not going somewhere. 

This could be seen as a weakness. And I certainly felt that way. Sometimes burnout also comes with his/her (idk which gender), depression. While I luckily had one, but feel like it was a mild one, that also doesn't bring you too much of a positive self talk. 

However, you somehow can't fully grasp how you ended up there and while I believe in you are responsible and primary care taker of yourself, there is a couple of external things also potentially pushing you into this. Or maybe internal conflicts and beliefs. 

Overall, what happened to me, I neglected my needs. When you check of boxes that you sorta find less important than other boxes, but still do them for whatever reason. Some needs remain unfulfilled. With that you basically tell yourself your needs are not important. 

So you need to literally relearn to feel your needs. They however became so numbed down that they don't even show up, because why should they. You showed them often enough that they don't matter. 

It's a process of trying to listen in and not punishing you, if you don't know what you need, but being gentle. And over time, your sensors will become better and on the other side, your needs will also show up. 

This post was sparked by the interview of Bob Iger and Tim Ferriss. Bob Iger is the CEO of Disney. And while is could be considered wildly successful he seems fairly humble and at one point talked about the importance of his workout routine, choosing a positive mindset while knowing things might not work out and how he preps when he meets people (a simple Google search like everyone else). 

I am not trying to diminish anything he said and he accomplished a lot of things not everyone can accomplish. I sorta took away from it: things can be simple. It's the techniques which are by now well documented. It's not a shortcoming of knowing the techniques. Just by simply applying them. 

Be curious about your needs and values. Don't judge. Work out. Get fresh air. Move. Eat mostly healthy. Don't drink too much alcohol, if at all hard alcohol. Read. Let your mind wonder. Work on something you find meaningful. Make and nourish human connections. Respect and prioritize your needs. 

Easier said than done. 

I am not sure when I got introduced to NVC the first time, it's been some years. I really dig the concept and think there should be no other way ever being communicated with/in.

However, even if you think you are doing it, are you actually doing it correctly? Like following NVC actually requires you to dig deeper. So either you are crystal clear in every moment and so mindful that you always know what's going on, or you might actually need to take a step back, pause and think/feel what is going on.

Like it's not just about, so here is your behavior, this makes me feel sad, would be great if you can do that the next time.

Ok, if you're doing that, that's already a good start.

But..why should the person do that? What is your need?

Sure, if someone attacks you, you can say "well me need is not to be attacked". Guess more likely it is to be respected, to be seen, to feel connected and valued.

This is from the perspective of an argument or someone externally involved. You however can also use NVC for yourself when no one else is involved. More often than not, it's usually not about the others, but only about you.

Here's a quick video which goes through this quite nicely within 5min. I would encourage you to listen to it and then 2-3 times a day, just go through the motion. It's not about being another chore or todo list item. Rather, do it, hopefully it feels good and comes naturally. Don't beat yourself up too much, if you don't follow through. Sometimes it's just not the right time.

Anyway, here is the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQzDnlizQjYhttps://

I've already seen myself as lucky and fortunate of how my life shaped up, besides believing in a healthy dose of "Every man is the architect of his own fortune."

However, this year has been big and as with every other life area, this one (mindset, self awareness, approach to life) is never done and constantly evolving. Meaning, some were new realizations/eye openers, others I already knew but found a new connection/deeper level with and others I am trying to get rid off.

- i am a white male, society hugely benefits me, i don't need to spend so much mental space for potentially difficult life situations based on my appearance/gender and prejudices from other people
- i am born in Germany at a time of no war, i always have access to running water, a shelf over the roof and can decide who i want to marry, what job i want to do, little crime
- my parents are from the typical middle class, I studied, many people with that setup have a tough time finding their "spot" in society, sometimes having difficulties relating to the middle class or vice versa academics
- i am incredibly fortunate that i had my parents, they are always behind me and support me no matter what i would do. they were the ones making sure I'd go to gymnasium (prerequisite to attend university)
- there were a handful of moments were i hung with the wrong sort of people and my parents forbid me to make those real friendships/spend time with them
- i am grateful that they somehow found the balance of doing everything for me - maybe being a little too soft on me as I am an only child - but keeping me on track, teach manners and a sense for what's right and just that I listen to them/understand when I crossed a line
- i am grateful for having had multiple people crossing paths with me and believing in me, bringing my thinking on a new level with advices, books, opportunities or just by being there and me being able to observe how they deal with life
- the feeling of bettering myself, being a social class higher as my parents, being more around the people who make the decisions vs being affected by those decisions without being part or rather being independent/running life under my own terms has both good aspects/makes me ambitious but also aspects which are depleting
- there is a certain attraction to mindfulness, gratitude practices, yoga, meditation, creativity, doing things with your hands, nature, wondering if humans are actually any good for this world (like is the thrive for innovation actually sth good for anyone else besides humans), philosophy, on the other side though there is this achievement orientated/social class thinking in me where I want to be on the top and compare myself
- when i was younger i thought life is just a great place with tons of opportunities (lol but also true), currently i am surprised of how complex, non black-white it is, everyone is carrying a nice package of good and bad life experiences that shape them and their actions
- yes, things might have turned out differently if you would be wiser, a better leader, a better partner whatever, fact is, you are apparently not, so let's not pull yourself down, try it and if sth doesn't work for the 46th time, leave it
- reading White Fragility has been huge for me this year. I've been looking for a book like this to help me make a leap for racial awareness, bc I'd like to think of myself as open minded etc, however i also noticed that if i got called "privileged" it didn't resonate well with me, as my parents don't have much money and we couldn't do a lot of things. in jobs i also needed to prove myself as I didn't have the chance of attending Harvard or have family members to bring me into certain jobs or expose that life to me, after grade 6 my parents couldn't help me any more and I needed to learn everything myself/find mentors, put in the extra work. While all this might be true and is great for me that I did it, i am a white male which comes with many benefits and if a woman or a person of color would have done the exact same, they might still not where I am which is obviously not how it should be. Also that it is "normal" to have prejudices/certain racial mental models. While we should obviously try to take steps to reverse them, one should own that this is the case, society shapes your thinking: how many black country leaders are there, how many women are in board rooms, who earns more money, who makes most of the Hollywood movies and impacts our thinking, what types of people do you usually see on magazines, where are the "bad" neighborhoods, who lives there, what smell do you associate with that and the people, ... and then asking women or POCs about how to fix it? Do your own research, you don't need to steal more time away from them explaining it again and again + they are being disadvantage, the actions need to come from the people in power which are most often white males, ie remove pictures and names from CVs when hiring. Little things here and there, speak up in situations to improve the invisible system. Educate and help make the change.
- don't focus too much on yourself, make it a great time for other people, be fun to be around with, don't hang with people who don't see your efforts and don't return it either in similar gestures/compliments or any recognition, take time for yourself, you don't need to live up to an image other people have of you, do your own thing and see who comes along, find the balance of what you accept in other people and what not, don't be too harsh on yourself and also not on other people, do something new, do things just for the fun of it, take breaks, don't sprint a marathon

tbd (or maybe not)

Life's interesting and while we're here, let's embrace it, consciously make the decision to enjoy each moment. Not only what you're doing, also how you're doing it. Just literally get joy out of it. 

Listen in.

I've not been talking about the last half a year (or potentially longer time period) here on this format, but a a disclaimer for what's to come, I've been going and likely still am going through a burnout.

Why that happened should probably be another post and also all the little steps I've taken so far.

One step or action I continue to focus on and give myself the space to is not to be "efficient or effective" with my spare time. Granted, easy for me to say considering I've been not full time employed recently.

But, I started a freelance gig and potentially will join this or another company in the foreseeable future.

I am writing this after the first week. If there is a book I would be a great fit to write it would be "how to get back into your burnout as fast as possible". Bit of irony here, but I set a meeting myself for Thursday highly underestimating how long it would take me to prep - but I wanted to have the check in at that time to then be able to move on and wrap it up before the week ends. And because I pride myself in being reliable, I worked through the night and only slept 4 hrs.

Self talk: Great first week and healthy habits - you're doing great and have your shit really back in order haha

Ok, I can take it with a smile now and with the more mental space available am actually more able to feel differences from the week before and the week working now. So two main learnings: 

1) wrap up every day, what happened and what's to come tomorrow. I've noticed that the first two days i didnt do that and my mind kept wondering and thinking about the next day. To stay healthy, I don't want my life to evolve around work and especially if I am not at work, not thinking about it or to rephrase: not being able to control when I think about it and having a clear end of the work day helps me with it.

2) No one asked me to make the meeting on Thursday. So don't rush, it does not matter if a day earlier or later. Do good work and it takes however long it takes (yes 80/20 rule, pareto law etc) - just be a bit easier on yourself and don't dig your own whole.

More importantly, I knew that I will make a cut and 100% not work on Friday. This is what I call "Patrik's day" from now on. I will only do what I want to do on that day. I don't care about taxes, errands etc. I might still do them, but only if I decide to do them, but I have 0 responsibilities on that day. This makes me remember that this is what matters. No other shit, just watching out for you and constant reminder that one doesn't need to follow other people's agenda, but just your own.  (yes, more nuanced, relationship, partners etc - but guess you get the point).

Also, been doing yoga again every morning and stretching while also reminding me every day that what matters happens outside of work.

Sometimes it helps to just write everything down that's in your mind.

"The mind is a bad place to think. Put words on a paper."

Clarify of what's actually going on.

When you're done. What can you influence, what is out of your control, where can you speak your mind (or actually need to to be in peace) and what thinks will you accept.

Don't keep track of too many things, close the topics by either speaking about them, changing them, accepting them. Otherwise it's gonna tax you.

I am just coming from a yoga class. I've been going to the class every once in a while for 5 years now or so. 

Today was the first time I actually managed to go into a headstand. While I made the triangle base, for the first time, I made a little adjustment and felt how I was actually able to balance my body while the feet lost touch with the ground and the legs went higher and higher.

While the feeling was new and it probably all happened within milliseconds, as fast as I was up, I also over manoeuvred and while everything was quite in the room, I didn't slam on the ground, but certainly made everyone aware of my attempt.

And then I just lied there, amazed of this try and that I now know how to actually do it.

Switching gears..

Do you know when there are kids, something happened to them during the morning hours, like they fell, saw a new animal, had a new food whatever and then acted differently/"overdriven" (we would say in Germany)? 

Well, go through your own day. Maybe you don't have a completely new experience every day, but especially when you are "busy", something is constantly happening. A little comment here and there. A little adrenalin rush here. A stressful conversation there. A honk over there. A nice lunch here.

Are you aware of all those different impulses and what they do to you. Or are you just numbing them down?

Are you better aka more aware of what's happening to you than the little kid?

This is basically being mindful to me. Taking a moment, just observing how you fell - how something or someone made you feel. Isn't that nice? We rush through the days, not even aware of what's happening to us.

Take a moment. Breathe. And just be:)

In Germany there is a monthly fee you literally need to pay. This is supporting the two oldest TV channels, so they can act mostly independent and are not required to follow other people's agenda/go for sponsorships.

By now, I think they also have advertisings which they didn't have originally. However, especially regarding the news the two channels make a good job, because it's not about the viewership.

When I have foreign friends watching German news they are like "they have no emotions or reaction in their face". I've never really thought about it until what's been happening over the last years, especially in the US (or at least because I follow that more than others).

But not only the right, also CNN fall into the really bad manners/not tactful conversation/interview style, making big stories out of news whereas in Germany they just read the facts what happened. No opinions added, literally just what happened. They are not there to run an agenda by you or trying to convince you of what they think. It's just news which is a) their job and b) I find it pretty exhausting to filter out the opinions and actually listen to it. Guess you get affected eventually.

So, look for facts, not opinions. Research yourself, don't depend on others. Especially when there is a whole machinery with their own agenda behind.

Humans are lazy. Not only physically, but more so mentally.

Ok, it's also that we like to know things and what to expect. People like to know what you are known for to get shortcuts, like "I can always go to person X for advice on Y".

Never get put into a box. You are you and only because people have a certain image of you, your value is more than that image. More importantly, don't give yourself that image. Nothing exists, we are all just a bit of dust that's gone soon anyway.

Without sounding too depressing, rather take it from a liberating point of view. Do you. Do what feels right for you. Don't be completely impulsive - or be (I like people being reliable and straight, but that's a different story).

Only because you are known of being good in finance doesn't mean you can't switch to a bouldering career.

Do you. There is no box. Only the mental box and we don't play that game.

Not much else to say. When someone snaps at you, writes a bad comment on your Instagram post (not big enough to have that happened to me yet), someone is tricky to be around with, or whatever...

..remember..

..they are trying their best and might just have a really rough day/week/month/year/life.

Not saying that it isn't their responsibility to take care of themselves too, nor am I saying it's your job to help/fix them, nor is it that you should feel like you can be pushed over/you need to constantly sacrifice and take a hit, just that sometimes a little sympathy, letting things go, or offering a little gesture goes a long way.

Be kind.

So also in daily life, not efficiently planning everything and every minute, but giving free space. Also just to feel what’s going on and how you feel. Like do you just run from a to b and not thinking if you actually want to go to b? Sounds a bit dumb, but just asking the question more + before saying yes to stuff, rather asking if you want to do that at all. Know what is good for you and don’t bring yourself into the situation for saying no last minute, but give yourself the time, even if you would like to do it, sometimes you need to prioritise a recharge.

Call me 2014 while everyone is into crypto, AI, ML, ... but holy moly, it is actually done - I can't believe it.

Well, not really done, but what the heck, I built my first scraper. Time to give myself a clap on the back.

I can't recall when I started learning about coding the first time. Potentially 8 years ago maybe. Oh, actually 17 years ago, when I was 14 or so in high school. The high school was actually - in retrospect and in this aspect - progressive and we did study R back then. Not that I remember a single command of R, but that's not the point.

After that I guess 8 years ago with Codecademy back when it was I think completely free. Every since I did the classic HTML and CSS classes, started Python ~4x and "finished 2x. SQL, also done! Think I have 22% of JavaScript. So basically, hire me as your new senior dev!

I can't build shit. And also, for my job specifically I would not need to. I think product manager or growth folks don't need to be able to code. Yes, an understanding is good and you should at least "get" it to some extent. Not only to be able to tell when devs are bullshitting, but rather to truly understand their perspective and why your teammates think something takes a longer time.

However, especially over the last two years, the more and more also the no code movement grew, I felt I want to be able to do more myself. Zapier is awesome, Airtable is awesome, others are awesome. Also, dev resources are limited. But not only from a professional perspective, also for personal projects (that might become something, maybe not), I just personally wanted to be able to get data from a website. And today, well, I did it!

For what you ask? Some examples:
1. When I was trying to find the cheapest connection from Germany (3 airports) to different countries in Central America (bc hadn't yet decided where I would go) and with flexible traveling dates => find me the cheapest option
2. calorie trackers out there are hideous. give me the data and let me build a nicer one => would still need a developer for this, don't want to get that much into it;)
3. i am looking for a new apartment => send me a notification (email whatev) when there is a new apartment online that matches my criteria
4. ...

...

...well, maybe that's it. Idk, but feels good to be able to automate stuff. Not only scraping but over time entering/pushing information and also when data is being pulled how to analyse it and build dashboards. Because that is actually something I missed being able to do. Extract data from different APIs/data sources, bring it together into a database and analyse it.

One step at a time.

This cross band injury (ACL, ligamentum cruciatum anterius) has been sort of a mess up since the start.

January 2017

After having gained weight, I finally was like "ok, either you start playing football again as a workout regime or there is no end". I started at a team which was playing 1-2 leagues higher than I used to play. By now, I am 29 and the last time I played football full time was in 2011 (until 2013 with on and off, half serious efforts, also 2015-2016 I sorta played in a fun league with max 1x practice / week). Meaning, I have more adult years without playing soccer than being active.

First week started with one week training and 2 weeks being off, because my body and especially legs were like "hell no, start slower".

April 2017

By now, I have been in the rhythm and was getting more and more into it. I didn't fully manage the first team, because of my overweight status, so was practicing 2x at the second team, 1x with the first team and games for the 2nd team. Also not full 90min, but getting 15-45min here and there.

Berlin is known for artificial turf, so that's what I've been playing on for 2years now. Then, as summer approached, we went on to the green. Damn, that was nice, but it was also with the first team, so I was especially eager. My body, not being used to the green in other body movements necessary, I twisted my knee. I continued playing, as practice was almost over. When I got home, knee was hurting badly and so it did the next day.

I went to the doctor who said it looks like the meniscus. Well, I rested for two weeks again, but the season was almost over already and I hardly did any games in bc of small injuries and travels. So I was like, damn, I need to play otherwise they would not want me to show up again for the next season. After 2 weeks rest, I got back, couldn't fully get into it, but tried to get some games in to at least show my value. Also worked, but then I needed to show the white flag and tell that my leg doesn't feel comfortable and I need to stop until I know what's the issue.

The doctor meanwhile just said to rest it.

September-November 2017

By now, I got back to my original doctor at the praxis and he was like "still not better? well then why didn't we have made a MRT scan." I only had some physio in-between, but nothing helped. The MRT scan showed, yes, meniscus has an issue, but only bc it is compensating for the cross band. Doctor was like "If you want to go back to being fully capable doing any sports, I'd recommend getting the surgery, but you should get a second opinion". I went to another doctor, who said the same. Considering I was already in that state for >6months, he said that basically I now know how it would be without any surgery and that I can pick any time when I want it to happen - like within the next 1,5 years, so it's not getting to far out. I was not yet sure, when to do it and thought I would do it early 2018.

Dec 2017 - Aug 2018

I started going to BeCycle (HIIT + spinning) and have been organising bodyweight HIIT classes during lunch times at work. Then I thought I could also become a coach, considering I can't do running or other stuff myself. I applied and got the job. With that I was like "damn, I already have my foot in the door, would be stupid not to build on that but have the surgery now and start from scratch later on again". So, I ended up postponing surgery until August and rather continued teaching and getting a certificate.

Rundown at the hospital:

- Thursday: one day before the surgery, getting to the hospital to get surgery pre-check

- no one told me this would take 4hrs, completely messing up my last day at work, bc somehow doctors imagine clients to think we got all the time?

- also, they finally told me when my surgery is - one day before. Again, ok that I take the day off, but if you want someone to come with you, sorta nice to know what time they should block

- Luisa was so nice to join on the day of the surgery and prepped a fucking awesome snack bocks. Arriving at 7am at the hospital, nothing to do.

- 7.30am, here is your room. be back in roughly 30min

- back in 30min, now we are in a rush, bc I should have been there earlier

- getting the knee shaved, putting on my patient dress, jumping into bed where the "hospital taxi guy" picked me up

- first sign of underlying problem, he didn't know anything else besides. pick person X up from Y and bring to location Z

- then I spent ~45min in the awakening room, where 4 nurses were discussing how to position my bed, "head that way or that way? it's not nice to look at the wall" => makes me feel great to know you have everything under control

- two other doctors, or pre surgery doctors came over and asked me who I am and for what I am here. After explaining, they left, as I was not the person they were looking for. Cool, only professionals here.

- Another guy came and finally it was a match. Put me on another cot and drove me down into the basement which looked like a bad horror movie.

- then I met my anesthetist which was eventually the first person to clearly know what's happening, who I am and made me feel everything is under control. not that I was worried, bc I didn't want to stress, but that was good either way

- after a failed attempt to pee, I was just lying there, waiting to get into the surgery. heart rate checks and first liquid getting into my body. waiting for our go to start

- ~9.30am anesthetist comes comes back, gives the sign and instructs her helper to give me 20ml of x and some ml of sth else. then she tells me that it gets a bit warm, fuzzy, I should think of sth nice. next thing I know is waking up in the awakening room again

- 11.25am. a nurse realizes I wake up, she comes over and asks me how much of a pain I am in from 1-10. Pain is not overwhelming, but pretty severe/heavy. Think I said 6. She gives me some more pain killers.

- Since I know that Luisa needs to head out at 12pm I tell her to please call upstairs that everything is alright and she can leave and write my parents too

- I change between sleeping and being in some sort of wake state for another 1.5hrs. Also my doctor came by telling me how well everything went and showing me pictures while I was clearly not there yet. also, thanks doc for not replying to my emails and calls the last 1.5 weeks.

- Then at 1pm they send me upstairs where I still see Luisa and think "damn nurses, you had one job".

- I tell Luisa she can go, call Per (2nd shift) there is no need to come and to tell my parents. Then I pass out again for another 3 hours.

- Once I wake up, I still have some blood wires coming out of my knee and I won't go up that day.

- Watching some soccer with my neighbour who earns as much as I pay rent apparently. was a nice guy, and interesting to hear his perspectives. i.e. he votes left but thinks it's good that the AfD is in the parliament

- watching soccer, hearing women getting babies - fuck me, poor women!!

- no ones knows from others

- no crutches for me lol!

I'm outta here, eating Mexican now!

So, first of all, hello people, been neglecting this site a bit purposely in favor of becoming my first fitness trainer license and getting into the game.

I've also recently tried to start some books, but somehow didn't get into it, so this time just picked a book which has been sitting on my bookshelf for a while, but felt "too much right up my alley" to be sth new. But, let's get the ball rolling first and then switch to others #habitbuilding #starteasy or maybe never reading them #naval

ANYWAY

The book is: Mindset https://www.amazon.de/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

So far, seems to be mostly about the difference between growth and fixed mindset. Growth mindset being an approach to life that you are "you", but their is a fair amount of how you yourself can influence the "you". People having a fixed mindset take their state is a given and without much power to change anything about themselves.

Meaning, the one side things you can become more intellectual, the other doesn't.
Meaning, the one side things you can change your behavior and responses to the world, the other things you are just the way you are, deal with it.

One of the first points the book is making - which is actually pretty obvious - is that they make a test for people to self assess them and how bad we are at it. However, only if looking at the average of the whole cohort. It was the fixed mindset people who were quite inaccurate, the growth mindset folks however seemed to be pretty accurate?

Haven't reached the conclusion part yet, but seems pretty obvious. If you live in a world where you can't change yourself, there is likely a fair amount of biases and insecurities playing into your self assessment, like selling yourself better, because that's all you got - or not looking stupid and fear of exposure.

The growth mindset however inherently means that you can change, so "you" are never done. That makes your current "you" a temporary state and every outside assessment is a feedback loop how you can improve. Hence, by that, you are out for learning and a base for learning is to decide what to learn and what to focus on, so knowing where you stand on different fronts and making assessments about yourself.

Now, not sure about the science behind, so taking it with a grain of salt to see this as a general rule, but as a first framework/approach that makes sense to me and then I am also sure that also people with a growth mindset have biases and insecurities making not all of them a Lucky Luke in self assessment.

"What do you mean even with the title?"

Well, I've been feeling a bit stuck on a couple of issues. So, despite stressing about daily routines and making sure I *at least* do them, they are not having too big of an impact if you are not doing the important things.

Made up example: great that you stick to reading 10 pages a day, but if you are still struggling financially and doing 0 steps to changing it - even though it's a goal of yours - the 10 pages won't satisfy you, because sth more underlying is bothering you.

Now, it's up to you what is important and if you have enough money, are fit enough, are around the right people, if reading 10 pages is all you want. All I am saying, don't get distracted by the small things and rather do what's uncomfortable and get that out of the way or at least schedule activities/steps to that state.

https://tim.blog/2018/06/10/how-to-succeed-in-high-stress-situations/

- emotional stability and not letting yourself run by them

NASA when training their astronauts spends most time on mental game and going through all possible scenarios over and over again. follow the rational and checklists instead of a fight or flight reaction, punching against the machines like back in the days with your computer. not that emotions are not there, or you shouldn't use them, but let them out with control. if you need to cry, cry. but if you get angry and suddenly start a social media shitstorm on your ex's wall, might not be the best way for all sides.

- trust the process

sorta similar to the first one, but that was the one where I was thinking "damn, people are mostly the same, it's literally the mental models/ways of thinking that will differentiate us". Let's say you want to buy a house, it's not that you can just go out and buy it. There is multiple steps inbetween that you need to lay out and then trust the process to go through them.

- love everything

appreciate every situation how it happens. instead of being in a fantasy world of your expectations, be in the now and take what's there. things don't happen against but for you. thomas edison, when his factory burned down and he was standing in front of it knowing he can't do anything any more he told his son to pick up his sister and mum "they won't ever see such a big fire again". there was nothing else to do.

- using whatever is happening there for you

blitzkrieg and the strength of them was actually also their weakness. got a bad boss, might as well learn from it and use it for yourself. don't get blinded and reactive, be a step ahead and learn from it. 

Often when you pick up your phone you state to your environment that you value the interaction with somewhere else in the world/someone else more than where you are/who you are with.

Looking at pictures on Instagram, why not just look around and study/value what's around you.

Are at a party and write with someone from home.

Writing emails why you are in a meeting where everyone's attention is needed.

Real things happen in real life. Engage in the moment and create moments where you want to be present.

"These findings point to the idea that poorer parents try to indulge their kids when they can, while more-affluent parents tend to make their kids wait for bigger rewards."

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/06/marshmallow-test/561779/

Despite being a huge believer in goals and how internal alignment, focus and discipline on a goal is satisfying and also helps achieving things you might not have thought you will achieve.

Often, when not achieving your goal, you might be mislead from things that don't represent your values, i.e. getting hung up on a fight with a friend,...

Goals can also have different time horizons, daily, weekly monthly, 2 years, ... or even life goals.

I can't say haven't followed the concept too much, but recently heard the idea of (paraphrasing): "as long as you do something and that something is according to your values, you will be on the right track".

For example, constantly being exposed to new experiences, being honest, getting out of your comfort zone, saving money/not spending much, being generous, taking chances, ... will all likely bring you on a good path without having an end goal in mind.

1) Once you hire a new person, tell them that you expect them to make 10-20% mistakes. 

Provide them with a) some sort of margin of error in favor of speed and also b) so they don't irrationally overanalyze every single decision to think they are not making any mistakes and being anxious about it.

2) Make your team members come up with solutions

If you are the team lead, your job is to make the people below you better and get road blocks out of the way. However, you are also likely busy. To make your team more independent by making them more comfortable with calling the shots, getting the experience in while still getting your input, they should almost never come to you with problems only, but with problems and a) 2-4 proposed solutions, b) pro and cons of each and c) your ranking and reasoning for the ranking.

Every once in a while this happens: i get a feeling of being overwhelmed and anxious when looking at all my current and upcoming to dos.

While I certainly can get better in noticing that feeling earlier before getting into it, the moment when you tackle it and are in full control is just such a relief, inspiration and push.

Not that I purposely do it, but I noticed that just before I tackle it I usually come from sports. So hey, guess the wisdom of sports works and clears that head is true after all. Always knew it generally and as a baseline, but think I never experienced it so directly.

So, after a sports session I am like "ok, let's get this through".

- open calendar
- if you don't have it yet, make a list of all the things you have to do
- decide which ones are most important to do or most urgent (use Eisenhower method, or just do it in your head/what is right in your priority matrix)
- this can be a messy process, block time in the calendar when you want to do what
- watch out how long each tasks take, if there are follow ups needed, if you need other people's input
- mark every step and finish line (also: when is the task finished?)
- you might want to replace some tasks, postpone, cut more, re-add, make it work for you
- watch out for your energy, when during the day are you better in doing creative thinking, executing, meetings, ...
- what you don't achieve: delegate, ask for help, deprioritize for later or cut completely and let ppl know when you can't make certain things
- start hammering through what you committed to

Mostly known from the man himself - Wim Hof - cold showers are a great way for your immune system.

While he goes obviously deeper into the actual physical response and why it matters for your body, there are also some other aspects why I do it.

How do I actually shower cold?
Tbh, I always shower normal warm, not hot as in like the mirror is gonna be misted up. When I am at home that is mostly it. However, I am at the gym ~5 a week and when I am there, the shower is nicer and there I always end with a cold shower.

What do I do?
After finishing the actual cleaning, I will turn the water a bit colder, fell the water, bit colder, feel it and so forth until it is actually cold, like muscle tensing and not following the instinct of just jumping out of the shower. 

Why I do it?

1. Getting out of your comfort zone, showing yourself you can do more
Every time I shower cold, it is making me feel uncomfortable. But also, every time I shower cold, I show myself that I can push outside my comfort zone. That I am in control of what my body does or not. Doesn't matter how much it tells me that it's cold. I am not going to die from these 30-120sec, so I will remain under the water.

2. Meditation
What helps me actual go through it, is sort of disconnecting from my body. I take the physical response and just observe it. "Aha, now my muscles are tensing, breathing becomes harder and shorter, ..." - taking the role of an observer makes me actually curious and is a meditative state that you can reuse in other life situations. You are not your body.

3. Humbling
No matter how much money you have in your pocket (I don't have much, but even if I would), it's a leveling experience. Not matter who, money, fame etc doesn't matter. It's only you and your body/mind against the cold, nothing else matters.